Where the heart is.

Not every day can be a good day. Some times there are emotions that are incredibly sneaky! It can be anything! A book, a piece of clothing, a song on the radio. I can be having a fantastic day and then one second later I start to get angry...SO angry. I have this incredible urge to just plea with God to bring them back! My mind races to think that maybe I am dreaming.. yes,"just wake up" I tell myself, but I  don't. Then comes the realization that what is done, is done. It happened. Its over. This time of year can really bring out the crazies in me. If you have been through this, you understand. One second you are fine. In a moment, something can  happen that pulls you right back to that place you sometimes want to stew in for awhile. We forget to be thankful for a minute. Thankfully, It has become easier to pull myself out. To look at what I have been given and the result of all that has happened. I know I say it a lot lately, but God has been so good! Is that ever something we get tired of hearing? I hope not. I absolutely have days where I think "what are we doing here, I miss my family! " But I'm so happy we made this move. It has brought me to a new place in my life that I desperately needed. We are still making changes every day. I am still trying to figure out my normal! I can say with all honestly though that being home with my kids everyday is a blessing. They make me crazy but they also take me to a place of pure joy. I am complimented every single time we go out that I have a beautiful family. I just wish with incredible intensity that my mom and dad were here to see it. So, prayers to all of you this season who have a heavy heart and are missing a piece of it..xo

 

Happy Fall

I cant even begin to tell you how gorgeous the weather has been here. Not what I am used to at all! Normally I am getting out the coats and sweaters and the days of sundresses and flip flops are pretty much long gone. Here, not so much. I knew that living in the south it would be warmer, but I didn't realize that it would be  huge difference. I figured a few degrees. All week has been in the 70's and as I write this, its a fabulous 72 degrees and a slow and steady rain is coming down. I love it. I was also afraid that the trees would be much to look at when fall came around. To my surprise, they are also gorgeous. Of course they change WAY later here than they do back in STL. And its not all of them. Those huge live oaks are still just as green and gorgeous with their Spanish moss. I love it. You go to the Lowe's, and they still have all of their outdoor section open with all of their flowers still in full bloom. the farmers markets are still going on too. I was a bit nervous about leaving a real winter, but let me tell you, this is so much less depressing. I can actually get outside and let the kids go nuts. I'm just loving it here. No regrets.

lazy Sundays

I love Sundays! I love that we have found a fantastic church that is incredibly motivational and makes me want nothing more than to please God. A church that reminds me of the one we left. One that makes me want to be a better Christian. I am very thankful today for that!

Jason let the kids help him out a bit with the Nova today. Of course Noah was thrilled and always has a blast hanging out with his daddy talking cars. Nora just asked what everything was and told us that everything was pink. I just look at these two and cannot believe how big they are getting. Noah doesn't even look like a baby anymore. All of that is gone! I hate it so much and it tears me to pieces that my mom didn't get to watch that sweet face grow into a little boy. And Nora, I don't even know how that happened! She is hilarious and sweet and I want to freeze time more than anything. OK, I'm over my sappy mommy moment! ...Hope everyone has a fantastic week! xo

UPDATE!

Well, a little update on goal making. I feel like I did pretty good! I did not accomplish everything though. Running every night became a challenge because first of all it got cold! Also, Thursday I spent the entire afternoon walking around downtown Charleston which to me is a lot of walking! I did run three of the five nights I said I would..I guess that worked. Reading to my kids! DID it! OF course some of the books they handed me I may have slimmed down a bit after 10  minutes of them completely ignoring me. Made dinner every single night!! YAY! Pictures...not so much. Here is where that became an issue. Hospital bills started piling in. FUN. Got a bunch of room organized in the house though and I really think we are going to need to have  a garage sale. SO...a little extra Christmas money would be fantastic! Coming up with some new projects for the week! Desperately need to find a chair for the office, and found some adorable picture ideas! really enjoying the time at home with the kids and not feeling so incredibly overwhelmed with both work and family! Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Setting Goals!

Spent my evening with Jason talking about goals! I will be the first to admit that I am no good at making goals. I tell myself that I am going to do something and that I will start off slow....and I never make it. I get bored. I want a challenge. I had a LOT of goals when we first moved here. The problem is that it really does take awhile to get settled and lord knows that I had no plans to make a zillion trips to the hospital! SO, needless to say not much has been accomplished! You tell yourself that when you move into this new fantastic place that you are going g to be organized and make dinner EVERY night and only eat healthy for now on. Not so much. First of all, the food down here is fantastic. I just want to keep trying new places! So, when the weekend rolls around, my idea of fun is not spending time in the kitchen. So there goes that goal! Anywho, that's beside the point. The point is, I need to make some things happen. SO, I have ONE goal this week. That goal is to achieve all the other goals I have made. HA! My plan is to tell myself that I am going to blog about how this gets done so that way I actually need to do it! Okay, so here is my list!

1. Go run every night during the week. This shouldn't be too hard. 20 minutes all to myself 5 days a week ..yes please!
2. make dinner every night during the week. This one will be a challenge because I'm lazy!
3. Get one room organized every two days. I say this because sometimes my kids make it a bit difficult to go through things...Two days should do it!
4. Read to my kids every single day for 20 minutes. I'm bad! It was so easy with Noah but now that there are two, I have become a slacker. This needs to happen!
5. print out my pictures! I have so many stashed on cards and the computer its crazy! I will buy an album and make it beautiful!

Well, there you have it! I pray that I can make these things happen in the next couple weeks. I hope to update tomorrow with good news! Until then, enjoy some pictures I got today with the coolest tiny camera in the world! xo

 

fantastic weekend

Well, after one of the most stressful weeks I have had in quite some time, we got out this weekend. Got the kids downtown and to the park. This place is awesome. I am seriously just so impressed with the way people live down here. It is what I hoped for God and family first! They preached in church today's Philippians 1:12 about Paul's imprisonment and him spreading the gospel. They talked about how even in a bad situation, you can ALWAYS advance the gospel. Well, I can say that during this horrible week that I just had, I have never had so much love and prayers from people I don't even know! makes me want to spread the love even in a bad situation. God know exactly what he is doing! I have no regrets about leaving. It would have been fantastic to have my family and friends this past week, but God knew exactly what I needed and for that I give thanks. I give thanks for this beautiful weekend that he gave us here in Charleston, We were able to get out and enjoy the beauty that is Charleston. Enjoy xo

Here we go!

First of all, I would like to apologize for the lack of pictures! The past week has been total and complete chaos! It is so true that you don't realize how much stuff you have until you move it....to a house with no basement! Anyways, after a few trips to the goodwill, we are pretty much unpacked. And I am so excited that the kids should be here some time tomorrow! I'm missing them beyond words!

 So, I would like to share a bit about how incredibly awesome this place is! At first I was terrified! Of course we have been here several times, but never to summerville. We just kept reading online how wonderful of a community it is!  We took an gamble, and also rented a house we have also never seen! There have been zero disappointments! We are exactly where we want to be. The neighborhood is adorable and very quiet. We are on a corner, and across the street is a lake with a fountain. The area is very small town but has a ton to offer! We are back a bit where there is a ton of gorgeous nature and the live oak trees are lining the streets. It's just beautiful. Then there is there is a a Main Street that is the historic part with lots of little shops and fantastic places to eat. Let's not forget about the wine bar!! And to too it off, there is a huge shopping center with all of my favorite places... Except barnes and noble. I will try to survive though. All in all, ther me is nothing I don't like. (Except for maybe the water. Stl just has the best!!) The beach is a short drive from here and downtown just never gets old! I just cannot express how much I love this place and it just feels right. I cannot wait to get the kids here and show them everyhing! How lucky I feel that God gave us this chance to make a change!   My first goal here is to develop an accent... Yes that's right, a good old country accent. The draw down here is awesome and I want it! Ha! Also, tomorrow we are going to check out a church! Pretty nervous about this mostly because First Christian was just incredible.


  Anyways, I'm hoping to get some pictures up very soon of our new life! Thanks again for all the well wishes! We couldn't be happier! Xo

We did it!

I cannot believe it! We made it happen. After years of dreaming, talking, hoping, giving up, and then dreaming some more, we ACTUALLY made it happen!  Spent literally the entire day packing. Tomorrow the movers will be there and the. We are off! I am just beside myself excited. Woke up a little early this morning and laid there thinking about everything that has happened in the he past two years that we have lived in our house. It almost feels like it was very unlucky. We moved in one month after my mom started chemo and we are moving the week after we finished up on their house. It has been non stop. I walked around today and remembered all of the not so good events that have taken place in my house. My mom in my family room totally dazed and confused with all of the drugs she was on while we all tried to get her out of La la land. My dad on my couch every night looking like he was going to break down at any second. The morning I woke up and found Sweety had died. I had two dinners at my house for my family after both of my parents memorials. I spent the last year helping fix up their house to be ready to sell. There has been no break. The best day I had in that house was the day I brought Nora home. But that's about it. I have some terrible memories there. I cannot wait for a fresh start! I am going to miss my family like crazy!!! Since the death of my parents we had all become so much closer and I love it. I will also miss my friends! I am so thankful for the ones who have stuck by me through all of this craziness! For understanding when it's been to busy to always get together and to offer your help and make time for me in the end even when I couldn't always do the same of them. I love you guys and I cannot wait for vacations to the beach! Anyways, time for bed with another crazy day tomorrow. This is it!!! One more night as a St.Louis resident!

Chapter two...

WOW! it has been awhile! And so much has happened. The past 3 months or so have been so chaotic that I haven't had time to really sit and write. We are moving! YES!  Moving to Charleston South Carolina. Something we have talked about for what seems like forever. It has always been in the back of our minds and we swore that one day we would get there. Maybe after the kids graduated or we won the lottery...which we don't play..! Anywho, we made it happen. Found Jason an incredible job at a massive dealership out there. He is so incredibly excited about all of the opportunity that he will soon have available to him.

   Looks like I am not going to be able to work the first year. That really is OK with me. After making myself absolutely nuts I found Noah a preschool to attend 3 days a week. I know this is going to be a huge change for all of us. I look at everything as a gift from God though. Maybe it sounds silly, but I really am excited about being home. I get to stay at home with my kids right when they are at the end of being tiny. I get Noah right before he starts kindergarten, and Nora before preschool. I look forward to not having to stop everything with the kids to go to work, or spend 2 hours getting ready because I spend an hour of that trying to get them to give me time to actually get ready! I can give them my full attention. I can cook dinner at home! I wont be coming home at 8 at night anymore with my feet killing me and way to tired to even think about making dinner. I'm very happy for that. SATURDAYS!! where do I even begin!? I get to spend Saturdays with my family!

   The comments I have had from everyone have been both good and bad. There are those that are so excited for us and wish us nothing but the best! For those that want to be negative, let me ask you this. Imagine waking up one morning and your entire life has been destroyed. You have seen what seemed like endless suffering. Two of the closest people in your life...GONE. Nothing is the same. All of those family functions that we love so much now have sadness in them. Driving down 270 to Mercy hospital, all I see is the treatment rooms at the top of the cancer center. Every single dialysis center brings back a rush of pain. That house...I used to have some incredible memories there but now all I see is suffering. Even my own house, I still see my dad looking like a sad puppy sitting on my couch, trying to smile and make us think hes doing just fine. I am surrounded by haunting memories. Replaying things over and over. No, I am not running away. I am simply starting a new chapter in a place I have dreamed of. If you were given the opportunity, wouldn't you do the same?

  So, I am choosing to ignore the negative. Two years ago I would have said I may never get there, but God has been nudging me with this for years.I have been told I will be miserable, I may hate it, what if its not that great there, your kids are going to make you crazy. SURE, I know that I will have days where I am not loving it, but I have those days here all the time. That's life. Not everyday is going to be fabulous. But I will be fine!I have my best friend with me and we are going to make every single day the best that we can. Make new memories in a beautiful city, I have told myself that I was OK with staying here forever and found myself crying from the thought of it. I have prayed about it and I feel in my heart that it is our God sized dream! Who knows what He has waiting for us there. All I know is that I have never been more excited to figure it out!

10,000 Reasons

They say everything happens for a reason. There are times in our lives and situations where it becomes impossible to believe this. It seems much easier to blame God. That is something I never believed in the two years I watched what seemed like endless suffering. I prayed. We all prayed, and yet literally every day was more bad news. Of course I became angry with God. How can you not after seeing two of the most important people in your life suffer terribly. But I never stopped believing. In the end, our prayers were not answered. So, surprisingly God is who I turned to for strength....sometimes just to keep breathing when the truth of my new normal became real. For months, Jason and I had long conversations about life, God, and the future. I started to feel a pull...sort of a fire starting. I ignored it. Jason grew up in church but started to struggle with his own beliefs and wanted to find the truth. So he began to read the bible and take notes. The subject of religion and God kept coming up, so we started attending a local non denominational church and instantly loved it. The people were incredibly nice and Noah and Nora loved it. The pull in me became stronger again and became impossible to ignore. At the end of each service you are invited to come up and pray or be baptized. I would stand there and wonder what it was like. There were numerous sermons that I really could identify with and at the end of service, in that short time of opportunity, my heart would pound. The feeling was overwhelming. After that, Jason and I talked for hours one night about it. About how everything happens for a reason. How some of the huge decisions we were in the process of making, would not be happening had my mom and dad still been alive. Dreams were starting to feel like a reality and yet I felt like there was something missing. In those few short months, Jason became confident in his new faith and beliefs. He felt like they were right for him and no longer struggled. So last week we made a decision and contacted one of the family's we had gotten to know. So this morning, we stood together holding hands and together we were baptized. Such an overwhelming feeling! The gap now feels complete. I look back at my life and cannot believe it was mine. How do you go from perfection, to what seems like hell on earth and then slowly becoming perfect again. I am blessed. Incredibly blessed!! I am complemented every single time my family is out together on how beautiful my family is. My children are healthy and thriving, I have this big family that I feel like I can count on when I need them. And now I have God. I feel like chapter one is over. Life is new and opportunities are endless. One year ago I would have never thought it could be like this again. So, I can truly say that I am overwhelmed with grace today.  There IS a reason for everything and everything will eventually fall into place if you just hold on and believe. 

http://youtu.be/XtwIT8JjddM

New beginnings

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the negative things in life. Feeling stuck and not knowing if you will ever get out, and thinking you will just make the most of it until you are older and can just stop working. Yep, I'm talking about jobs! As most of you know, I recently changed salons. Let me tell you the relief that has come over me in the last two months. Yes, being your own boss is more work. It can be frustrating on days when you really don't want to hear your phone ring! But the benefits are worth it.
Before, I was at a salon for the past almost 5 years. After about 2 years I was no longer happy. I liked the girls that I worked with and I was busy. So, I stuck it out. After a couple more years I found myself getting jealous of just about everyone who loved their job and started looking online at my options. Being afraid to leave the area, I thought that I was stuck. There were no other options and I had to stay. Also, being told that if you leave the salon, the salon will have to close, puts a huge weight on you and the guilt setts in. I had also made very good friends with one of the owners, and when your parents are dying of cancer, all the ears around you are a big help. We had lots of days where we would just sit and complain about life, husbands, kids, work, etc. we also had lots of laughs. Although I was getting to the point where I couldn't handle my kids and was always screaming at my husband. The situations at work were getting worse even after a much needed relocation of the salon. I had hoped that would have made me happier, but no such luck.
Soon after, another friend and I decided that we were going to become " renters!" We were incredibly excited, and I felt like this was my way of having my cake and eating it too. I got to stay incredibly close to home, keep my clients, but not have to deal with the phone, or any of the other drama. I was just going to go to work, and go home.
The first day was a disaster and the next day I got into a huge fight with my " friend " who was the owner. Being told that if I would have bought my own color, cleaned their toilets , and answered their phones, everyone would have been happy. Also being told that I only worked there to make myself look better than everyone else. That was the last of it. I lost it and finally put an end to the misery!
The next day after talking to a very good friend that I used to work for, I found a new job and worked there that night. The relief was incredible. I walked into an environment that was incredibly welcoming, and just had a wonderful energy. Here I was with a bunch of girls I didn't know who we're incredibly good to me from the beginning. No constant complaining about how much they hated their kids, their husbands, their life in general. Just a positive environment. At one point I just thought ... This can be real... It's too good.
I didn't realize just how unhappy I was until it was over. I think it is easy to get trapped in the negative things in life. To get sucked into complaining all the time how awful life is can become consuming, and turn you into an equally negative person. I have had plenty of negative after losing my mom and dad. I think that is what started the downward spiral of needing something more. Life is incredibly short, and can be incredibly awful. I'm so thankful that God finally gave me the opportunity to get out of a not so good situation that was going no where.
I'm so thankful that I get to go to work every day in a positive environment where we all seem to love what we do. I don't come home emotionally drained, and hating my kids and husband. After going through the past two years with losing both of your parents, it can go one of two ways. I know for sure that i was in a downward spiral... Feeling negative, and stuck going no where. Just holding out until the day we made enough money where I didn't have to work.
Thank God for new beginnings. I love doing hair!! It has been a passion of mine forever and now that's what I do when I go to work. I am so thankful for Jason for putting up with me the last few months and sitting up with me all hours of the night so I can just get it all out.
Leaving was something I wish I would have done a long time ago but I'm comforted with the realization that God has a plan and that He is in control. It happened when it was suppose to. I am a better person because of it, and I have learned who I don't want to be. Thank you God for new beginnings.

sweet babies

Nothing new going on.

No one has been sick lately, thank God.

Haven't been anywhere exciting, haven't done anything exciting

Just hanging around enjoying lazy winter days with my sweet babies. 

Wishing for Spring!  

xoxo